Hypothesis Testing for Limits

If there's one thing an MBA course teaches you, it's how to test the limits. (And no, I don't actually  mean the control limits and hypothesis testing in normal distributions)

Especially a one year course. (What was I thinking, really?) I don't think I've ever used my mind so much and slept so little, and it's only Week 1, in Term 2. I still have 7.83 terms to get through.

If you can manage 4 assignments that are due the weekend before your end terms, suddenly other challenges don't seem so daunting, and 3 assignments due on Mondays become par for the course. As an MBA student you suddenly realise just how many hours there are in a day and how much you can do with that. So instead of catching up on sleep today, (yay weekend) I'm actually staring at this white space so I can come up with a half-decent post about my life here. (Clearly you can tell I'm struggling)

Coffee becomes your lifeline here, i.e. most valueble asset, that doesn't depreciate over time. That, and friends who poke themselves in the face with pencils so they can stay up, thereby ensuring you're awake for at least the next 15 minutes because you can't stop cracking up. (Pro Tip - find people in class to look at that have ridiculously awesome Points Of Difference when it comes to staying awake)

Anyway, getting to my point - how do you find time for things you love and people you love? How do you choose what's more important, and what deserves your attention more in that moment? How do we work those numbers out for marginal benefit and marginal cost? Do you continue to stay rational human beings that maximise benefit, or give it up halfway and go for what makes you feel better in that moment, forgetting about all your variable costs?

I know at the end of the day I'm going to look back and remember only the epic moments (Prof shouting at Siri in class) and not my horrible struggle with multiple regression and actuarially fair insurance, but how do I convince 'Present Me' to breathe a little, and to maybe sleep a little, because honestly that seems like the best long term strategy, given all the decision variables and binding constraints.

Delightfully Dramatic

Those Pricey Thakur Girls - Book Number 3 by Anuja Chauhan.

What do I say? I judged the book by it's cover, and that's the absolute last thing a writer should do I suppose. But there's a cat on it, and it seemed like the cat was an important part of the storyline (It is. Kind of. Hello serendipity!) I detest cats, and honestly that's putting it mildly. Sigh.

It took me over six months to actually read the book even though I carried it with me everywhere I travelled over those six months.

I think that's because I wanted to save it for a time when I would actually pay complete attention to it, and it was my safety net if I fell apart. Given how things have been in the past year (and the number of months this post has been in draft stage) it's not surprising that I needed a safety net.

It's the first book I couldn't, and wouldn't put down on a flight. I cannot read in moving vehicles - yes flights come under that bracket. My head gets woozy, and eventually I feel like fainting, but despite that, I couldn't stop reading this. In the flight to Chennai, in the car to Pondicherry, and finally on the beach. That's how unputdownable this is.

It's her most serious one so far. It has its moments of playfulness, and light banter between the leads, but gone is the childish love. Under all its subtle humour there's a very grown up storyline, a storyline that also brings up so many questions about this country's past, and its present reality.

Debjani and Dylan went from being a not-so-delightful couple, to chemistry that far surpasses anything Nikhil-Zoya ever had, even with their New Zealand moment. (What is with her and letters? Hmm.)

Not simply because its set in another time, in a different India, a different age - where love was more consuming, more powerful. Not because there's a fantastic moment halfway through the book where  Dylan simply kills me by doing the most evitable-inevtiable of suggesting a specific phone call. And not because I'm a sucker for that kind of love.

I think its more to do with the fact that their chemistry is so real - and fraught with valid issues and not temper tantrums and sulking teenager types. When your lead characters start out with one ripping the other apart, in a newspaper review of the formers news-anchoring abilities, instead of just ego, jealousy and opposing beliefs in luck, you have a genuine problem. One that can't be solved by sighing, some more jealousy and the sheer intensity of your feelings for one other. (Although there is a lot of that in this too)

Read it for a masterfully written trip down to the late 80s, some crackling chemistry between the leads, a lesson on how love can overcome egos, witty wisecracks and one of the most ridiculous but absolutely fantastic theories that I've come across - Letter Love .  

Choosing to Let Go

Is it stupid to be optimistic, and think things will get easy?

I hate to think of myself as a pessimist (even though I probably am one) but honestly, every single time I've thought I'm okay with something or that things are actually going fine - they get worse. Life I suppose has to constantly remind you of how bad it can get, otherwise we wouldn't appreciate the good.

I wish I could be okay with the not-so-good things, and not get so caught up with each one of them. I wish I could let go a little bit, and once I've let go, actually forgive myself for letting go.

Looking Back

A large part of the work I do involves communicating - internally and externally. That's all it really comes down to.

And a large part of all that communication involves tedious emails, emails that I don't always want to write, and emails that I don't always know what to say in.

It's only now when I'm writing something new that I realise how much I love this. 18 months of writing things I didn't want to write, putting things across concisely, and sanely, and not giving up and quitting this is probably the best writing class I could have asked for at this point.

Anything I want to write now becomes easier, simply because I actually want to write it.

Hopefully, 2014 is going to be the kind of year in which I do these things instead of just wanting to do them. 

New Year, New Fears

It's a new year. Again.

And an intimidating one. Again.

I'm supposed to be grown up.

A conversation I just had reminded me that I'm turning 23 in a few months and there's a pretty high chance I'll have tax forms, insurance paperwork and registration documents form a major chunk of the coming years. Because what I eventually, really see myself doing involves so much paperwork.

And that scares the hell out of me because I'm not ready for any of it.

It's like becoming a parent I suppose - no amount of classes can probably prepare you for it.

But somehow that doesn't scare me. It's the paperwork that does and that sounds silly because who, who in their right mind gets scared of paperwork?

I don't quite know how to deal with it, but I suppose I should take it one form at a time?

Feeding Monsters

I read somewhere once - "Not feeding Monsters is good Economics"

I think it was in 'Search Inside Yourself'. Given my absolutely pathetic memory recall, you have to forgive me for not knowing where I read it.

Anyway, the point is, this line makes perfect sense.

You can't feed the monsters inside you. You know they're always going to be there, no matter what you do, and the only thing you should focus on is ignoring them, and devoting your mind (and sanity) to things that actually matter. Like the people you love, what you want to do, and reading.

Monsters don't matter.

Except they really do. They're the sinister beasts that know exactly when to prey on your soul. And it's easier said than done.

And the more attention you pay to them, the stronger they get, the more they tempt you, and the more they take over the pieces of your soul.

So how do you not feed them, when all that there's is you surrounded by them?

Revisiting 2010

It's been a weird day of nostalgia. I've been spending my day listening to music that I used to obsess over in 2010, songs that I haven't heard in over 2 years.

I started writing again, started being the person I used to be so many years ago, started fearing the same thing I used to.

Why do we turn to the past for comfort?

Is it only because its the known, the familiar? Because somewhere along the way your soul knows that this will calm you down, this will get you through to it.

Or is there more to it?

After 'The End'

It took me three and a half years, but I'm finally at that point where TUCS is actually complete. I finished the book.

Yes there's around seven years of editing, renaming, rephrasing and adding 'intensity' that I have to get through, but that's another thing. As a story, and as a story that satisfies me, its done.

I can't believe I actually got to this point, and the funny thing is it's not scary anymore.

No, nothing excites me in this moment to write the way TUCS did, but I still do write a page or two on random topics.

Will I ever write a book that's at least 147 pages of a Word Document in size 12 font - I don't know.
Does that worry me - No.

And that's all that matters right?

Love and the Magnitude of Human Stupidity

The thing with love is you can’t ignore it.

You can’t push it to the back of your mind, like just another trivial thing on your never ending to-do list. It occupies the front row- inflicts blunt force trauma to your head, takes over your brain and ensures that you are incapable of thinking of anything else.

Love isn't convenient. It isn't supposed to be. It isn't easy. And it honestly isn't supposed to be. And saying that over and over again doesn't make it any easier. Take Love Aaj Kal for example- and most relationships today are like that. No wonder then that they don’t end happily. You can’t be practical about love; you can’t write the pros and cons and do a SWOT analysis irrespective of how good at strategy planning or disaster management or conflict resolution you are.

I love the movie for what it says about our generation and its immense and infinite stupidity. We don’t even know what love means and we go around pretending to be these experts, counseling every soul and then some, on what they should do to be happy.

I love the older generation- their simplicity when it came to relationships and the way they were willing to compromise and the way they didn’t care about the ‘distance’. We crib about long distance relationships and ironically today is an era of communication where everything and everyone is only trying to bridge the gap, shrink the distance between two continents, two countries, and most importantly two people- two hearts.

So why, why can’t we accept that love isn’t trouble-free, or undemanding. It can’t be, it never can be. 

Simply because it’s everything. It’s all consuming, overwhelming and devastating. It’s heartbreaking and it can’t not be.

And sometimes irrespective of everything I've said here, you need to let go - you need to move on.

Maddening Mondays

Anger is never really a good emotion - or a good state of being. It's just so unsettling.

I know I've said before that I need to be mad, annoyed, upset - heartbroken to write but maybe I've changed. I can't write despite the fact that I'm so emotionally overwhelmed right now that I need to write.

Or maybe its because, finally my characters have gotten over their stupidity and their emotional tragedies so they need me to be sane when I'm writing. They've grown up. (I feel like such a parent now)

I don't know, I really don't know what it is. But I know that I can't write TUCS right now and that just somehow makes things worse.

*need windy terrace and peace of mind now*

On a different note, its been an interesting week. (day?) Maybe it was a bad dream that led to it, but I've realised (at least for now) that happiness matters more than what you want and where you want to be.

If you're happy now, how does anything else matter?

Miles to Go, Before I Sleep

I've been seriously writing for a while now - because I think I can't breathe or read anything else, until I get TUCS out of me. At this point in my life, somehow everything is about Karan-Zoya.

Would Karan wear this shirt? Would Zoya actually say this? Would they watch this movie on their second date?

Its exhausting. And its also annoying because no matter where I go or what I'm doing - I'm living their life and not mine.

At work (yes, its been a year of that which is why I really don't write anymore), there are moments when I just stop and think of what Zoya would do if she was here. And that's proof of how insane I'm becoming because Zoya isn't even in this profession.

Anyway, so I am at an interesting point right now because the next ten pages I write will basically take the biggest decision there is - Does this book have a happy ending or a sad one?

Its a question that has haunted me since I wrote the first page in February 2010, and tragically enough I still don't have an answer.

I don't know if I should just leave it to "Fate", where I just write and see where the story takes me, or if I should actively take this decision and then choose to go down a particular path.

Mind over Matter, Heart vs. Brain?

It seems weak and silly to leave it to Fate when I've invested so much in TUCS but I don't think I have the strength in me to choose.

Hopefully, by September 30th, 2013 - we'll know :) 

Attraversiamo

Its been a while. 

That's an understatement, I know. I've never gone so long without writing, and so much has changed in the past 11 months. 

I'm wiser, and stupider, and as always as much a worrier. What's strange and funny though is that today, I knew I had to write, and there wasn't even a moment's hesitation.

It's the one thing that comes naturally to me, like swimming for a fish or chasing frogs for a dog. (It's a whole different thing that its too rare!)

Its a start, to something different, something new, and I'm hoping that with it, it's going to bring some fresh thinking, and the completion of TUCS. 

Feels good to be back. :) 

I'll Be There For You*

*Terms and Conditions apply.
Offer valid only if I'm in the mood to be there for you and if I have the time, which I never will. But anyway.

More often than not, when people say this line, they forget to include the asterisk and the attached terms and conditions. And we, stupidly enough believe them.

And even when its staring at us right in the face, for reasons best known to us, we choose to ignore the sign. And that's absurd really.

My point today is this- Nothing in life is unconditional anymore is it? We promise to be there for our best friends, we promise to love people forever, we promise to never give up.
But all of that is valid only when the world isn't being a bitch to you, and that is what maybe once a week, twice possibly if the gods are being kind?

Now I'm not just bitching about the world here like I normally do. Its me too. I'm selfish. More than I ought to be, and more than I want to be.

I want to be there for people, and I want to care. But I can't quite bring myself to. I don't know if its the heat, or the fact that life is annoying, but something has changed. And I think they call it growing up.

And that's just it. Life was simpler back then. And happier. And there were no implied asterisks that you had to watch out for.

Three Years and A Lifetime of Memories

I have no words, and that's a first because I generally don't shut up.
Three years of college have gone by, with the best year obviously slipping away so quickly, that I never got to just sit in class. I still keep thinking that it's July. Except it's not, and March is coming to an end.
When I first joined Francis, I never quite thought I'd feel this way, I never ever thought I'd miss this place, or cry over the fact that it's all coming to an end. But that's just the thing.
It's the people I met here that have changed it all and made college so brilliant.
Whether its sitting outside the language staff room and eating the canteen food with two of my best friends, or bunking class on 'work' with the COFEE gang, or meeting my Gemini 'twin' for a hurried stupid crisis, or studying in the car at 8 am for the exams with my marketing partner, I'm actually going to really miss this place. I'm even going to miss the green classrooms, and the stupid exam forms, the annoying certificates and the bad-vibes library. Third year especially has been absolutely brilliant with the best lecturers, so much work, so much bitching, a little studying, a fantastic organisation that can just about make anything happen, a Kotler seminar, a management fest, two marketing orientations and two absolutely epic farewells.
If I had to live it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing!
Because in the end, it all turned out okay. More than okay.

Because It's Not Just An Organisation

COFEE 2011-12 comes to an end today, and I simply can't believe it. It has been a whirlwind journey, and I will miss every single moment. Time, as usual has flown away way too quickly.
Whether it was dying editing Vantage, writing out scripts and certificates, planning every small detail and always losing the page we wrote it in, cribbing about everything and everyone, crisis management for backdrops and laughing hyperly, without any worry, at the end of it all, COFEE will always make up some of my best moments in college.
To the team that made college truly special- I'll never forget you guys! Wish we could live it all over again!

Fading Away

The flame dances around and fascinated I silently watch. Slowly, it begins to fade and die. It's quiet here, silent almost even though I'm surrounded by people. Turning my attention to what lies outside, I look out of the glass at the city that lies below and beyond me, the city I have fallen in love with. I see the perfectly cloudless night sky and an enchanting golden full moon gliding away quietly and quickly. I see the roads full of cars, as expected on a Saturday night, all in a hurry to get somewhere else. Everyone, everything seems to be in this hurry to get away from here, to go somewhere else. But where? Where were we all headed?
Sighing, I give up on my thoughts. And when I look away from the view of the endlessly curving roads and the constantly moving spots of light, when I look into the glass, I see the reflection of a girl who is not me. I see a girl I don't recognise anymore.

Invisible Much?

Where has Pepsi gone? They’ve just disappeared. Post the ‘Change The Game’ campaign they undertook in April for the Cricket World Cup, I haven’t seen anything new. And they haven’t reacted to what Coke has done- it’s dropped its prices by 2 rupees just ahead of the scorching summer. And Pepsi still remains quiet which leaves me wondering if this is just the lull before the storm…

Brand Equity came out with its list of ‘India’s Most Exciting Youth Brands’ and surprise surprise Coco Cola trumps Pepsi. Now a company that once used the line ‘Yeh hai youngistaan, meri jaan’ and played only to the youth, seriously needs to do some reworking and rethinking, if it’s biggest competitor is upping it in youth popularity polls.

Ironically enough, Pepsi was the first brand ever, to associate itself with its consumers, saying 'Live in the Pepsi Generation' in the 70s. In India, Ranbir Kapoor was the celebrity endorser for the brand and given that Rockstar has been declared a hit with critics and masses, it is strange that there is no campaign featuring him. Pepsi’s last campaign, ‘Change the Game’ was largely targeted at the youth again because it used cricketers like Dhoni, Raina, Kohli and the others. Contrastingly Coke has used Imran Khan, who some might say doesn’t rank as high in youth popularity polls as RK. The new Coke ad, for the new year only features the spirit of happiness, a sentimental concept and a catchy hopeful song.

Given all of that, it is surprising that Pepsi is still keeping a low front.
I know ‘Hindu-TOI’ are the new Pepsi-Coke, but I really miss the days of the cola wars! ('Nothing Official About It' is one of the most epic lines ever!)

On a happier note, the big guys in Telecom are simply making my week.
Love Vodafone’s newest ad featuring the pug again, despite the fact that I hate the pug. Its simplicity of thought is what I like best and of course being the sappy romantic I am, I love the line – “Just you, just me. I think that’s all we need” And Airtel- with your new promotional campaign, “talk to us one-to-one” you leave me grinning, because that is just such a smart idea!

Two Much

A big thank you to my lovely Zoya, who has to put up with me and my stupid opinions, and to the infuriating Karan, who after so many debates, finally has a surname. TUCS would be nothing without your delightful chemistry, and you two make me want to write your story. And you make not really having a life somehow worth it.

To K3G (and the amazing SRK entrance scene) for being on TV every Sunday afternoon- it's just what I need to get into my writing mood.

To Alan Bennett because Chronology really is a deterrent. (And such a bitch!)

And to everyone out there who still remembers what TUCS is, you guys are the best! Thank you for putting up with me =)

It's been two years and I know I need to forget the world and just sit down and get it all out of me. And I will.
Soon. 

If I get to Goa that is.

Waking Up!

Talk about being original! :)

The DNA ad came out in August 2011.
And The Hindu ad - January 2012

And all I have to say for The Hindu-

If TOI is below your class, stop chasing its readers. Hey, maybe we want to know what Hrithik's petname is and whether Abhi-Ash had a baby boy or girl. I for one do.
Because maybe sometimes you're fed up of the miserable reality the world has to offer with corruption, rape, wars and a never ending economic crisis being daily items on the menu. So maybe we want to read something fun and inane. And yes, I LOVE the advertisements, especially seeing the first entire page ones.
And dear Hindu, if you do decide to indulge in an ad war with the newspaper that happens to be the largest circulated English language newspaper across all formats in the world (the TOI), at least find an original concept. And better actors. Really.
Also, for a newspaper that claims to be 'above the rest' because 'oh my god we are SO goddamn intellectual' how are you selling your soul? The Hindu's front page today (as I was informed by a Hindu reader who coincidentally had a very difficult time staying awake today) had a full page Vodafone ad- the same as on the TOI.
Perhaps the end of the world really is near, because copying the DNA ad wasn't enough, The Hindu is now adopting TOI policies too? My, my I never thought I'd live to see this day!
Must be a result of "waking up" and a restructuring of their top level management.

Make it Work

"You think yours is the one that's going to make it" 

                  - Grey's Anatomy

Well obviously you do. You always want it to work out, you want that happily-ever-after. You always do.

But how on earth do you make it work?

Communication.

That’s all it really comes down to, doesn’t it?

For it to work, you have to say things out loud. Because no matter how similar or dissimilar two people are, or how long they’ve known each other, no one can read minds. So irrespective of how harsh, hurtful or selfish it sounds in your mind, you have to find the courage from somewhere inside you, and say what you want as simply as you possibly can to the one that matters. It’s the only way.

But sometimes saying things out loud can hurt you, it can end relationships because words once spoken can’t be taken back. So a statement said to spite someone, something hurriedly uttered in anger or a sarcastic jibe can just spell doom.

So what then?

How do we know when to say and when not to? How do we know what the right thing to say is? How can we possibly know?

So at the end of the day, life comes down to this gamble? This matter of chance and luck, that what you say won’t hurt the other person? That the two of you won’t be selfish and mad on the same day? That one of you will have the good sense to step back and stay silent?

How does it work?