Dear Jake,
I want you to hold on to me, not this frightening prospect of being alone.
So why dont you hurry up, and imprint on me?
Sincerely,
Sukriti

We lie. We cheat. We turn disloyal.
We break down. We break things.
We lose control. We become impatient.
We cry. We turn to violence.
We act without thinking. We jump to conclusions.
We lust for things.
We become greedy and thirst for power.
Ambition. Anger. Impatience. Envy. Sloth. Lust. Greed. Arrogance. Ignorance. Gluttony. Wrath. Pride. Stupidy.
Flaws.
They make us who we are.
They aren't weakness. They actually happen to be our inner strengths.
What we fail to see, is that our flaws are the things that make us want to do more, to achieve more, and to try once more.
Each one of us has them. No one is perfect.
But its these flaws that make us perfectly unique and our tireless endeveours to get rid of them, make us imperfectly charming.

Can one be one hundred percent original?
Is it even possible?
Is there anything to say that hasn't been said before, shown before or written before?
Doesn't everything bear some amount of resemblence to something done earlier?
Is there anything left that hasnt been thought of?
Or is this just me being cynical?

You look at me.
I'm blinded by the twinkle in your eyes.
You  mesmerise me with your clever words.
And then you claim not to know the skill of hypnotising people.
Your eyes follow me everywhere, shrewedly noticing everything, saying nothing.
And when i turn to see if you are there, you melt away in the shadows of uncertainity.
You tease me.
You entice me and then you walk away nonchalantly.
Like nothing ever existed and there was no promise of tomorrow.
And maybe there was never anything said.
And maybe it means nothing to you.
But i cant help but get the feeling that there is so much more left untold in our story...

Warning: Ayesha this is Grey's Anatomy Season 5. So if you don't want to know, dont read...

Cristina: (pushes Owen) Take care now? What is that? What are you like, you're all happy now? What are you? Just a choke 'em and forget 'em kind of guy?


Owen: (pulls out piece of paper, hands it to Cristina)

Cristina: Hey there now. Take care now. Nice work Yang. What is this?

Owen: It's my shrink. My shrink gave me these sentences. We ah, we came up with them together. They're all 3 word sentences. So I could have something to say to you instead of the 3 words that are... that are killing me. The 3 words that you know I feel but I can't say them, because it would be cruel to say them, because I am no good for you. I don't wanna torture you. I don't wanna look at you longingly when I know I can't be with you. So, yeah I'm smiling, and I'm saying take care now. I'm letting you off the hook. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard to let you off the hook. I'm trying to make it right. What I did to you. Can't you see that? I'm just trying to make it right.

Cristina: (gives the paper back) Take care now.

Grey's Anatomy
Season 5
No Good At Saying Sorry

Questions

These are some questions that hound me all the time. So i'm voicing them out here, in the jaded hope that i might just get some answers even though they may seem a bit too intimate-

1) What matters more- Physical compatibility or intellectual? Would you rather be with a guy who turns you on intellectually, who can tease you with his words, but there may be no sparks. Or would you be with a guy who you can get it hot and heavy with, but you really cant talk to. 'Cause irrespective of how much u try to convince yourself otherwise, the physical chemistry does matter. A lot.

2) This is strictly with regard to the people i know, and not on a global level- Divorce rates in love marriages are more than the ones in arranged marriages. Why? Is it because we're- incapable of choosing the right person or blinded by what we think is love or not willing to adapt and adjust.

3) Would you sleep with a guy before getting hitched to him? Obviously physical compatibility is important, so would u, if you thought he was the one? Also, what if you guys sleep together and-
a) It's fantastic, but you break up
b) It's pretty bad, but you think he's the one.
Worse still, if you decide not to do it before and you  guys do end up being married and its awful, then what?

4) I was in a very consuming relationship, and i was totally emotionally involved. In a matter of less than two months, i was completley over it, and crushing on someone else. Yeah.
It shocks me. I wonder if i'll ever be able to settle down with one guy, if i can get over them so easily. Though i suppose i should be thankful for it. My point being that i think i need so much from a guy, that i dont think that one guy will have it all. Honestly.

5) According to Hindu mythology, God is supposed to take birth on earth and free us from all evil.
What if, God took birth and no one noticed? Or cared? What if God failed? What if we were all so immersed in ourselves, in corruption, and terror that we failed to see what God wants us to see?
Also, God is supposed to rest in each one of us. So haven't we all killed the God in us, by doing something or the other? I believe that some force exists, there is someone who controls the bigger picture. So while i may not believe in religion, i do believe in the presence of someone else. So how is that someone letting all that is happening, happen? Are we going to spend our lives 'Waiting for Godot?'

6)  Most Indian men (or is it just men all over the world) are hypocrites. They all want progressive young women, who wear the western clothes, dance in pubs, and of course sleep with them. But the minute you want to settle down, they want you to stay at home, and not work, and more importantly sacrifice your wants, to make their "dreams" come true. Somehow i really dont get that, and i'm not a big fan of it either.

7) Why do serials, and movies, and stupid chick-lits have such a catastrophic effect on girls, even when we know better than to dream? Why do we love the happily-ever-afters when we very well know that reality is nothing like it? Are we sadistic or stupid?

8) Why do all girls believe in the boy turning sensible, after he's done something really stupid, even when we know that most boys are incapable of understanding us? When something goes wrong, why do we support our BFFs and tell them that 'Dont worry he'll turn around'. or 'He'll finally realise that he misses you' or ' No he's not a jerk. He must be having a genuine reason', when most guys at this age are jerks? Not only are we stupid, we are also crazy enough to defend that useless Romeo who is no good for our best friend, till we go blue in the face.

I wonder why people find it necessary to repeat things.
We form set patterns, follow certain cycles.
These almost serve as rules to us and we continue to follow them.
And for what?

Why do we say the same things again and again?
More importantly why do we do things again and again?
Why don’t we ever learn from our mistakes, and why, why do we not learn to stop hoping?
Why don’t we ever learn to give up on certain people because they are simply NOT going to change?
Why don’t we decide to put an end to all the crap?
Why do we engage ourselves in these silly cat and mouse games?
Why do we listen to meaningless stuff all the time, and sit around watching when it is replayed to ten other people?
Is it because we love the people in our lives so much, or is it because we're all a little off in the head?
In this mad world, where everything moves at breakneck speed, and it’s do or die, how is it that we find it in us to waste precious time by doing the same stupid things again and again?
This irony amazes me, and the fact that we don’t question it, amazes me even more?

I read another chick-lit last night- Right Fit Wrong Shoe.
I dont know why i'm so obsessed with them, when i've clearly accepted that real life is nothing like the fantasies they talk about.
Its only bad for my well-being because in those two hours that it takes me to finish it, I'm back in La La land.
And i'm sitting around dreaming about stupid frogs turning into charming princes.
At the end of the book, i finally realised that it was pretty lame.
And the lead couple broke up for a pointless reason, making the entire book pretty much pointless.
(A=B, B=C, Hence A=C!)
And i still loved the book.
Sometimes i really don't get myself.
My point here being, (yes i do have a point!) that is it so bad to ecape from reality for a few hours everyday?
And will this lead to me shifting back permanently to fantasy land?

Sometimes no matter how much you prepare yourself for an event, somethings will take you by surprise. Sometimes irrespective of how much you push something away, it stays there, glued to you.
Sometimes you realise that even though you've been pushing this thing away, all you want is this thing.
So then what do you do?
When you know everything, and when you know how wrong it is, when you know that you arent that kind of person, and you still cant get a grip on reality, how do you stay away?

I look out of the window.
I try to distract myself by the thundering of the engine and the clinking of the wheels.
I try to get your picture out of my head.
But its become the wallpaper of my heart.
I know i chose to glue it there.
And i know it was a very stupid mistake.
But i did it anyway.
And even though i'm sorry about it, i'm also elated.
I always knew i was a true Gemini.
I always expected to be the rope in the tug of war between the heart and the brain.
Mind vs Matter.
But this, this i did not expect.
I didn't ever think that i would completly side with one side of the arguement.
That i would so wholly and solely want this.
That even after knowing everything, and knowing that what i want may never happen, i would still want it.
That i would still want you.

Meredith: [opening voiceover] We all remember the bed time stories of our childhoods. The shoe fits Cinderella, the frog turns into a prince, sleeping beauty is awakened with a kiss. Once upon a time and then they lived happily ever after. Fairy tales, the stuff of dreams. The problem is, fairy tales don't come true. It's the other stories, the ones that begin with dark and stormy nights and end in the unspeakable. It's the nightmares that always seem to become reality. - The person that invented the phrase "Happily ever after" should have his ass kicked, so hard!!

Meredith: [closing voiceover] Once upon a time, happier ever after. The stories we tell are the stuff of dreams. Fairy tales don't come true. Reality is much stormier. Much murkier. Much scarier. Reality it’s so much more interesting than living happily ever after.

Season 5 Episode 1-2
Dream A Little Dream Of Me

Hope.
Beyond all reason, and against all logic we hope.
Beyond infinity and beyond the horizon of sanity, we hope.
We hope against all hope, and beyond all hope itself.
Maybe its because its the only thing we know how to do.
Or maybe because its the only thing we can do.
Maybe its this tiny-yet-monumenal thing that keeps us going.
Or maybe that's just an illusion.
Or maybe because at the end of the day, it's everything.

Jacob Black,
You take my breath away.
You leave me confused and flustered. And i dont know what to make of you.
You disappear without leaving any traces, and just when i've given up hope you reappear.
And for what?
That i dont know, and you wont tell.
So i sit here and wait.
Wait for you to come, and wait for you to go away.

I think about you

*sigh*

You're a million miles away.
But it seems like ur right here.
In the chatter of the trees,
And the whispering of the wind
You seem to be lost
Without me,
But it doesn't seem like you want to find your way back,
To me.
I'm scared to call you,
'Cause i don't know what the sound of your voice will do,
To me.
There is this unspoken silence that lies between us,
As vast as the seas that seperate us.
But the truth of the matter is that ur both near and far away.
But if you were really here,
With me,
You still woudn't be mine.

Change yet again.
We come back to college and we find out that our classroom is now bang opposite our old one. This time round when i look out of the window i see the railway tracks.
People going away, people coming back.
I see destinies changing, and i see luck changing hands. I see people boarding. I see people stepping down. I see the train changing tracks.
As the world continues to right itself again and again, i realise that i need to face my reality again and again.
That some truths will always remain bitter truths even if they are coated with sugar candy.
That some people are beyond change, even though every single minute, something, someone, somewhere is changing.

This picture does something to me. I dont know what but it just does something.

Maybe you belong with me, maybe you don't.
How does one know that this is it?
How does everything become so crystal-clear all of a sudden?

At the end of the day, you wake up, and you realise.
You see what you couldn't see in the brightness of the sun, and the light of the day.
You see what was hidden by the butterflies, the bees and the chirpy birds, and blooming flowers.
You see what was hidden behind those unspoken promises.
You see what was behind those cottony white clouds and the sea blue sky.
When dusk arrives, the clouds part, throwing away their facade, to reveal the dark stormy night sky.
At the end of the day, and at the dawn of the moonlight, when our dreams go to bed, and reality wakes, that's when we really rise, we wake up, to realise that things will never change no matter how much we dream.

Happiness.
I changed my mind.
It's definitely not a phase.
It's your state of mind.
And if you want it bad enough, and you're looking at things, with the right view point, you'll be happy no matter what. =)

Prince Charming can ride into the sunset with the evil step-sister for all i care.

And why?
Because at the end of the day, I'd want Prince Charming as my best friend- the guy i can laugh around with, rather than the guy who is constantly giving me insecurity panic attacks!
So I won't be sad about Bella and Jake not ending up together.
I'll be happy when Bella tells Jake that he stinks! =D

Life really comes a full circle. i hate the fact that i feel like the bitches i'd love to bitch about. I keep thinking that there's a difference between me and them. That for some inexplicable reason my actions are justified.
Maybe they are. Maybe they aren't.
Because even though i may be sweet and innocent about it, at the end of the day, we're both doing the same thing. Our methods might be different, but we want the same thing.
Feeling like thwm however doesn't make me like them ONE BIT.
But i dont hate myself for this either, and i realise that maybe we all are prejudiced. In some way. Even though we don't want to be.
We look down on others but we do the same things, hiding away somewhere.

Girl: I forget how nice you can be, and you obviously HAVE to remind me.
I don't want to feel like this, except it feels amazing.
So since you have all the answers, tell me, how am I supposed to stop falling in love with you?

Boy: Do you really want the answer?

Girl: Yes, 'cause this is driving me insane. I can't help but fall for you, and you being you, don't stay away. So tell me how to stop.

Boy: I love you. That's the only answer I have for you. I have no idea how to stop 'cause if I did I would have stopped myself a long time ago. When it comes to you I'm powerless. All I know is that I want you. And I want you to want me.

Girl: Well, so you don't have a solution for once then?

Boy: Seriously?

Girl: Seriously.

Boy: Oh, I do. I always do. Come with me. Marry me.

Girl: That's your answer?

Boy: It's my question. I've taken a step forward, and you can choose to meet me halfway or not.

She takes a step forward.
They kiss.
:]

Now why does this NOT happen in real life?

We can say what we want to say, but we can’t feel what we want to.
It’s hard to keep the thoughts from coming into your mind. It’s hard to stop wondering, especially when you have so many unanswered questions lying before you. It’s not easy to forget. Or forgive. It’s not easy to laugh.
But sometimes, just sometimes, it’s the only thing you can do.
And when you take that one small baby step, you realise that it’s the single most giant leap you’ve ever taken in your life, and you’re free-falling off a cliff. Will your parachute open? Only time can tell.
But if you just breathe for a second, you’ll realise that you’re on a high like never before, and nothing can get you down. You’re finally free, and you’re finally happy.
That’s all it takes.
One baby step. At a time. No rushing.

Sometimes I don't recognise myself. I say things that I would never have admitted to, I dream of stuff that I would never even have thought of, and beyond all reason and logic I hope.
I want things I know I cant have, and the funny thing is that I'm okay with not having them NOW. I just want them at some point in my life.
I can't help but wonder if everything that's happened in my life in the past couple of years, was just a way for me to understand this.
Today I know that I can be happy alone. Today I see myself in a way I had never imagined.
Today I see a reality in front of me which I'm okay with, even though there shouldn't be a single reason for me to be happy with it.
Even as I cry about being so blind to the obvious, I still know it's foolish to regret.
I can't help but feel that there is something.
Despite everything that I know, and all the sense that it makes, it still feels like our story isn't over. Like there is an unwritten epilogue, waiting for us to come together so it can be enacted.
For once I don't mind waiting for Fate to take it's course.
I'm happy. And I know I'll be happy even if my dream remains a dream.
But I can't help but feel like there is something that holds us close. Something that's kept us all this while.
Something we are yet to discover.

There are so many ways to look at one thing, so many ways to interpret it, that it gets too ovewhelming and too confusing. We need to filter through so many emotions and opinions before we come to a conclusion. Every decision requires so much of analysis, and preparation. You need to second guess yourself at every step, and prepare for all the worst case scenarios. There are a million legal formalities, and endless precautions before you do something. There is just SO much involved, and so much at stake.
Being an adult.
It scares me.
Then there are those adults. The ones who get everything bang-on-right. All their decisions are like a stroke of genius, and where nothing majorly ever gets screwed up. The dream world where everyone wants to live, but is scared to, cause even a single mistake is the end. It's unusual. It's so close to perfection that you're awed.
That scares me even more.

But what scares me the most are the adults who dont act like adults- the ones who fail to take any kind of responsibilty for their lives or for the lives of others. They take decisions without considering anything and while that may be great once in a while, after a point of time, it begins to hurt their loved ones, and they ignore that. They throw away their lives, and i just dont get that.
I dont.

"We've been playing hide and seek for the last ten years, so please tell me that I've finally found you now." :)

I try not to think.
I try my best to be happy.
But there are these moments, where all the pretense seems to fall apart, when the curtains are torn apart, the doors flung open and the windows broken.
Then i have no choice but to see what lies inside of me.
The truth, the bitter and grim, undeniable reality stands before me and i have no where to run.
I cant escape. I'm stuck. Paralysed in time.
Ages seem to pass. I'm stuck like that.
I dont feel anything, except this unbearable loneliness.
This emptiness, this void, strangely enough fills me.
And then finally something happens.
Someone says something, or the door bell rings. Or someone does something.
And its time to move again.
To come back to now.
I move wearily. Not knowing when i'm going to encounter this tiring reality again.
And then i start stiching myself up again.
Cause i know that no one else can do it.
And i know that i need to do it by myself.

In the past few months, things have changed so much.
Too many things have happened, that i didnt think would.
When i think of the past, it strikes me that i'm someone totally different now. My opinions, and views on people and things have changed. I understand stuff that I earlier didn't. I look different. I feel different. I feel new.
Change.
It's the only thing that i see around me.
It surrounds me everywhere. In college and at home. And even on facebook.
And yet when i look closely enough, i find the tiny things.
And so i am grateful for the small things that will never change, the people in my life, the ones that are here to stay.
The fact that some people will always be there by my side no matter what. No matter how many things change, or no matter where we go.
To the girls in my life, who give me the strength to be myself everyday.
My mom, Apeksha, Ayesha, Mashantha and Kriti.
Thank you, for making me realise that some things never change.

The chase, the capture, the thrill.
That's what it was about.
It was like a hunter and his prey.
The silent shadowy footsteps, lurking in deep dark corners, and the mind-numbing attack.
The sudden ambush, that gave you no time to think, or react, or even breathe.
The chase had started a long time back, unknown to me.
The thrill was everlasting.
The capture was about to take place.
So how was i supposed to save myself?

Remember Me, is such a fantastic novel. More than anything else, it reminded me that things that seem perfect are not always perfect. We are humans. We make mistakes. We need to accept that as a fact and move on, because Life can never be perfect. And if spend our life waiting for perfection, one day we'll realise that life itself has passed us, and gone its way.

I was lost in thought as usual in class. I kept thinking of how things were so ever-changing between us. They were never constant. Never the same. We kept moving at break-neck speed, flitting like a butterfly from one destination to another, never settling down. We were gypsies. We never knew excatly what we wanted, so we tried everything, and ran away from everything.
We ran. ran away from each other too. It was the truth, there was no point denying it,
But we ran, didnt we? So we ran away from the truth too, choosing not to see.

I miss beaches. I love the way the waves curl up at your feet. I love the way the silence echoes. I miss being mesmerized by their beauty. I miss lying down in the sand, and looking up at the stars, with the water tickling me.
Why did i love them so much?
Maybe it had something to do with the way the stars and the sea merged at night. It was simple, pure and quiet. Silent, but awe-inspiring.

The rain continues to pour down thunderously. I hesitantly look out. The most panoramic view stares right back at me. The rain seems to have bestowed, showered this freshness onto everything it touches. I wish I could run into the rain so it would bring back the life in me. I’m in a self imposed exile, running away from problems, people and life in general.

The leaves that were dead once upon a time seem alive now. They sway and dance about, rejoicing at the power of the rain. The wind rushes through them, making them smile. I step out. The waves of rain, dance lightly on my skin, making me tremble. A cool breeze hits my face, making my hair fly. I want to fly too. I want to believe. I want inspiration. And I want this rain to make me alive too. Something. Anything.

Why this enlivening rain can’t make me happy anymore, I wonder as I fall to the grass. Not wanting to trudge back indoors, into the darkness, I lie down, breathing in the heady scent of the rain, melting into the ground, merging with the mud, to give this intoxicating vapour.
My thoughts, unknowingly, wander to you. To you, and all that you did. Doubts and guilt crawl into my mind, with a view to destroy. I try to resist the attack, I try to fight back, but I’m weak. I crumble. And soon, my tears too merge with the mud.

When I think of you, I feel no pain. That’s a good thing. But there isn’t any happiness either. Which I think is a bad thing. So I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong or what’s right. I don’t know anything that has anything to do with you anymore. I don’t even know what to do, or what to think of you anymore.

Everything is still now. I don’t know if this is the lull before the real storm, or if the storm has already passed. Nothing moves anymore. Everything is still, just like me. The scene has changed to a dark, murky and gloomy one. There is a certain uneasy calmness, almost sinister, that rests above, ready to break any moment. And so I continue to live in fear.

Maybe it was just a high-school romance.
Maybe this had to happen.
Maybe we were never meant to be together forever.
Maybe it was just the magic of first love.
Maybe this was always supposed to be temporary.
Maybe we had to break-up because of the distance.
Maybe you don’t love me anymore.
Maybe it’s for the best.
Maybe I’ll fall in love again.
Maybe we had to break up.
Maybe its over.
And maybe, maybe, just maybe, it isn’t.
The many million maybes strung together.
Yeah, that’s what I like to call hope.

What if Bella ended up with Jacob? Would that be so bad?
What if she loved him and Edward both and just couldnt help but choose Jacob?
She and Edward are perfect together but she and Jacob would be fine too. What if Jacob is her happily-ever-after? What if?
What if all this while she has been denying what she has been feeling because none of it made sense? And then all of a sudden, a lot of it did?

There's this girl, who is a real 'gem'.
And all i want to say is that if it wasnt for her, i dont know what i would do.
Cause she completes my sentences for me, understands my fears and problems, and most importantly calms me down. And she makes me realize that somtimes its ok to make mistakes, and sometime its ok to fall. Cause thats the way life is.
I know she will always be there for me, and i know i will too. No matter how many people i meet or where i go, she will always be the one i'll call up and scream at, and get hyper with.
And we may not talk for days or weeks or even years, but i know that even if i call her ages later, we'll still giggle over silly shit, and cry over stupid things together.
Cause this bond aint gonna go away!
Cause she is my soul sister.

WE

All through our life we are faced by choices. Choices we make. Deisions we take.
What is right? What is wrong? Its all upto us. Nobody else does it for us.
We choose to hurt others. We choose to criticise. We choose to complain. We choose to grumble. To mope and to moan about every little thing under the sun, or even over it.
We choose not to help. We choose to be harsh. And miserly. And grumpy. And ungenerous.
We choose to be selfish. We choose to be avaricious.
We choose to be sad. We choose to be petty. We choose to be mean.
We choose to be narrow-minded. We choose to lie.
We choose to discriminate.
We choose to ignore. We choose to neglect.
WE CHOOSE.
WE.

And then who do we blame?

Thats the thing with life.
Its never the same.
It keeps changing and moving.
Sometimes its a tiny, narrow, twisty-turny lane covered with potholes and speedbreakers, that slow u down, make u want to scream and curse and at other times its this shiny, smooth highway where u live the best moments that just rush by.
It makes u go slow, it makes u go fast.
Sometimes it stops u for a long time, sometimes it just lets u go.
Sometimes u get hurt, sometimes u fall.
But isnt it all about getting up again, dusting the dirt off and going and getting what u want?
Isnt it about seizing the moment and using the opportunity?
Isnt it all about getting over ur fears and taking a chance?