Looking Back

A large part of the work I do involves communicating - internally and externally. That's all it really comes down to.

And a large part of all that communication involves tedious emails, emails that I don't always want to write, and emails that I don't always know what to say in.

It's only now when I'm writing something new that I realise how much I love this. 18 months of writing things I didn't want to write, putting things across concisely, and sanely, and not giving up and quitting this is probably the best writing class I could have asked for at this point.

Anything I want to write now becomes easier, simply because I actually want to write it.

Hopefully, 2014 is going to be the kind of year in which I do these things instead of just wanting to do them. 

New Year, New Fears

It's a new year. Again.

And an intimidating one. Again.

I'm supposed to be grown up.

A conversation I just had reminded me that I'm turning 23 in a few months and there's a pretty high chance I'll have tax forms, insurance paperwork and registration documents form a major chunk of the coming years. Because what I eventually, really see myself doing involves so much paperwork.

And that scares the hell out of me because I'm not ready for any of it.

It's like becoming a parent I suppose - no amount of classes can probably prepare you for it.

But somehow that doesn't scare me. It's the paperwork that does and that sounds silly because who, who in their right mind gets scared of paperwork?

I don't quite know how to deal with it, but I suppose I should take it one form at a time?

Feeding Monsters

I read somewhere once - "Not feeding Monsters is good Economics"

I think it was in 'Search Inside Yourself'. Given my absolutely pathetic memory recall, you have to forgive me for not knowing where I read it.

Anyway, the point is, this line makes perfect sense.

You can't feed the monsters inside you. You know they're always going to be there, no matter what you do, and the only thing you should focus on is ignoring them, and devoting your mind (and sanity) to things that actually matter. Like the people you love, what you want to do, and reading.

Monsters don't matter.

Except they really do. They're the sinister beasts that know exactly when to prey on your soul. And it's easier said than done.

And the more attention you pay to them, the stronger they get, the more they tempt you, and the more they take over the pieces of your soul.

So how do you not feed them, when all that there's is you surrounded by them?

Revisiting 2010

It's been a weird day of nostalgia. I've been spending my day listening to music that I used to obsess over in 2010, songs that I haven't heard in over 2 years.

I started writing again, started being the person I used to be so many years ago, started fearing the same thing I used to.

Why do we turn to the past for comfort?

Is it only because its the known, the familiar? Because somewhere along the way your soul knows that this will calm you down, this will get you through to it.

Or is there more to it?

After 'The End'

It took me three and a half years, but I'm finally at that point where TUCS is actually complete. I finished the book.

Yes there's around seven years of editing, renaming, rephrasing and adding 'intensity' that I have to get through, but that's another thing. As a story, and as a story that satisfies me, its done.

I can't believe I actually got to this point, and the funny thing is it's not scary anymore.

No, nothing excites me in this moment to write the way TUCS did, but I still do write a page or two on random topics.

Will I ever write a book that's at least 147 pages of a Word Document in size 12 font - I don't know.
Does that worry me - No.

And that's all that matters right?

Love and the Magnitude of Human Stupidity

The thing with love is you can’t ignore it.

You can’t push it to the back of your mind, like just another trivial thing on your never ending to-do list. It occupies the front row- inflicts blunt force trauma to your head, takes over your brain and ensures that you are incapable of thinking of anything else.

Love isn't convenient. It isn't supposed to be. It isn't easy. And it honestly isn't supposed to be. And saying that over and over again doesn't make it any easier. Take Love Aaj Kal for example- and most relationships today are like that. No wonder then that they don’t end happily. You can’t be practical about love; you can’t write the pros and cons and do a SWOT analysis irrespective of how good at strategy planning or disaster management or conflict resolution you are.

I love the movie for what it says about our generation and its immense and infinite stupidity. We don’t even know what love means and we go around pretending to be these experts, counseling every soul and then some, on what they should do to be happy.

I love the older generation- their simplicity when it came to relationships and the way they were willing to compromise and the way they didn’t care about the ‘distance’. We crib about long distance relationships and ironically today is an era of communication where everything and everyone is only trying to bridge the gap, shrink the distance between two continents, two countries, and most importantly two people- two hearts.

So why, why can’t we accept that love isn’t trouble-free, or undemanding. It can’t be, it never can be. 

Simply because it’s everything. It’s all consuming, overwhelming and devastating. It’s heartbreaking and it can’t not be.

And sometimes irrespective of everything I've said here, you need to let go - you need to move on.

Maddening Mondays

Anger is never really a good emotion - or a good state of being. It's just so unsettling.

I know I've said before that I need to be mad, annoyed, upset - heartbroken to write but maybe I've changed. I can't write despite the fact that I'm so emotionally overwhelmed right now that I need to write.

Or maybe its because, finally my characters have gotten over their stupidity and their emotional tragedies so they need me to be sane when I'm writing. They've grown up. (I feel like such a parent now)

I don't know, I really don't know what it is. But I know that I can't write TUCS right now and that just somehow makes things worse.

*need windy terrace and peace of mind now*

On a different note, its been an interesting week. (day?) Maybe it was a bad dream that led to it, but I've realised (at least for now) that happiness matters more than what you want and where you want to be.

If you're happy now, how does anything else matter?