Let's Count?

Because I'm in this kind of a mood-

And suddenly, in the middle of my random thoughts about todays big scary meeting, my potential excuses for not attending the dinner tonight and how much I hate what I'm doing, you come into my mind. Just like that. Out of nowhere. And you dont leave. You just dont leave. No matter what I try to think of.
Oranges, plastic water bottles, a zillion files with details of the important negotiations, a black pen, the contract I'm supposed to be reading, my cell phone, a wedding invitation that I dont want to open, the stack of magazines yet to be read, my purse, a laptop, the latest rom-com novel which I swore I wasn't going to buy, a stapler, and the ring in the first drawer that my fingers can feel- the one I refuse to look at. I let the images of everything I can see flit through my mind. Like an album.
I try to memorise them, something to forget you for a while. Thirteen things. Its not too difficult to remember.
Water bottles, the laptop, my cell phone, oranges, the contract, the wedding invitation, the ring... I pause. My fingers are playing with the ring again. I clutch it in my palm tightly. And take a deep breath.
I sigh. I stop recollecting the items.
I look at them again. I try to make them replace you.
But to no avail. Nothing distracts me from what I remember of you, of us.
Your memory, your scent, your words dont leave me. They cling to my soul, always hovering over me, never letting me be calm. You're the storm that never blows away, the dust that never settles. You never go away.
And I don't quite know what I should do about that.
I don't know if I shouold just give up and think of you, or half-heartedly continue to pretend that I'm working. I don't know if I want to lie to myself anymore.
I miss you.
And I wish you knew.
But even if you did, what would be the point?
'Cause I happen to know how this story ends. And there isn't anything happy about it.

-TUCS

Dear Claire,

What and If are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will.

All my love,
Juliet

-Letters from Juilet

Destiny, Bridges, Love and a Realisation



"Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love"
          - My Sassy Girl

Sigh. So okay after stopping yourself a million times, and convincing yourself NOT to fall in love about twenty thousand times you go ahead and do the very evitable-inevitable: You fall in love.
LOVE- the one thing that terrifies most of us i suppose, because we cant define it, because we cant rationalise or explain it or just brush it away as just another linear equation. Love after all isnt an everyday thing, even though it can last forever- over the days, nights and the years.
So you fall in love, and of course if you're anything like me you just cant do a single thing about it. You  just sigh silently and hope that tomorrow will be a better day. But finally you decide to do the impossible- you decide to take Fate into your own hands, decide to overcome all the bloody odds and all the stupid things that are the 'big obstacles' You forget your fears and you let go of all that worry, of all those apprehensions and you decide that its time to build that damn bridge and somehow, miraculaously, from somewhere within you, you even find the courage to cross it.
And then what?
Why do we think that this 'one' is 'the one'? Why are we so overly-optimistic, so blind? Is it just blind faith, or are we just in dire need of being needed, being wanted? Is it that potent killing agent- hope? Is it just the stupidity of the human mind? How can we expect a relationship to last? How does it last without the people wanting to kill ecah other?
My question today really is simple- Is the passion worth the pain?
Because i dont know. I want it to be, but i just dont know.
Because i dont believe in living a life of only compromise.
Because honestly, sometime i dont understand how two people can want to live with each other for the rest of their lives- i'm talking of course about love and not marriage- and most importantly i cant understand how i want that, without understanding love.
Is the passion worth the pain?

2 Bags of Patience Please

I'm not a patient person. In fact i'm not really patient at all.
There i said it.
And i've come to realise that all our lives we have to wait for things, for most things. We spend most of our pre-teen years dying to be teens, and then all we can think of is turning 16 and then 18.
Like 18 is the greatest thing that will ever happen to us. Which soon enough, we learn, its not.
We spend the entire week waiting for the weekend, we spend every hour in college waiting for the last hour.
Honestly i've come to realise that in order to get through life in one piece, and as sanely as i can, i need to be patient. I need to wait.
Because i cant get everything i want now.
And i cant continously over-obsess about those things when i'm not getting them, even though its what i always end up doing.
Its not in my hands. I cant write now even though i want to. I have to be patient and let creativity come whenever it wants to. And it probably wont come for a while, but i cant give up and lose hope right?
Because all the good things in life generally make you wait for them until it hurts so much that you want to give up.
I'm going to go and wait some more now by looking at the blank page that's been blank for quite a bit, but this time round i'll try to be patient.

People and Pain

'No man is an island entirely unto himself' - John Donne
We cant be alone. It scares us. The prospect of being lonely in this world is not what anybody would want. So we let people into our lives. We have to. We have to take that chance. Because when we let them in, we make them a part of us. A part that will be there for us. They start to have a control over us and our emotions.
We let people in. And so we let in pain, despair and hope.
We let in chaos. We become willing partcipants in our own destruction.
We let them take a part of us, hoping all the while that we wont regret this; hoping they wont crush our dreams and hopes. We give them that power to hurt us, trusting them all the while not to.
We share stupid silly little secrets, and our deep dark desires. We share our fears and our flaws, and things we're ashamed of. We let them know our weaknesses, and our hopes. We open ourselves up to them.
I'll say it again.
We have to let people in. And so we let in the pain.
And as much as i hate it, the dark and twisty Meredith in me is back.

You know how when you really want something you can never get it. How it’s always just out of your grasp, teasing you to chase it. And there comes a time when you can’t do anything but obsessively worry about it.
And they say that the day, the moment you stop wanting that something, you get it. And they say that that is the irony of life.

Well it isn’t.
The irony of life lies in the fact that even though you know you’ll get it the minute you stop obsessing over it, you want it so much that you can’t stop. You can’t distract yourself by the numerous distractions that life offers every day. You can’t run away, you can’t hide, you can’t not think and not plot and plan until you’re so exhausted, so tired but you still know that the day to come, and the next and all the ones that come after it will be spent in a relentless pursuit of that stupid un-solvable obsession.

Well TUCS is sort of turning into that stupid un-solvable obsession, making me continously question and second guess myself. And of course, my weird mood doesnt help at all. But I think what I'm trying to say here is that sometimes, its just better to take a step back and breathe. And even though its hard to not worry about it and even though it feels like giving up, and it makes me feel like I dont care about it enough, I know its okay.

Because sometimes you just have to take a step back, to get the bigger picture. Sometimes the silence with a friend can be so much more reassuring when compared to words. And sometimes, a good view can make you forget about everything else. =)

And as much as we hate it, its back to reality for now.

At the end of the day, i just wonder if this is worth it.
Because today is my day.
And then somehow, somehow i know it is.