Thursday, October 27, 2011

Too Many Dreams

My finals start this Saturday. Hopefully someone will knock some sense into me and I'll start studying tomorrow. But the thing is, I really don't want to write these finals. Even though I LOVE the subjects. I just wish it was the 12th of November already and they were done. Finished.

And then there are a zillion other things that I want. Somehow I can never quite make up  my mind about what exactly I want- I'm always indecisive. And it gets annoying. As annoying as that stupid butterfly that keeps flitting about or the kid who never quite sits still for a second and you want to cry or snap or kill someone.
I find a new dream to chase every day and while that is brilliant in so many ways, sometimes I wish I could be the kind of person who picked one dream and lived it, and just lived happily. I wish I could be more balanced.. more stable. (More grown up?)

But I'm always in this rush to do more, to do something new.
I wish I knew the purpose of my existence- why am I really here?
Because there are days when all I want to do is write- but I lack the firm resolve that a writer needs- the ability to stop whining and basically shut the hell up and write/report a story as the situation demands. Writer's Block lives with me, and somehow no matter what I do, I can't quite kick him out.
Oh and did I mention I generally write rubbish? Because that's a big problem too.
There are moments when I want to market films (Thank you SRK for a marketing budget of 52 crore rupees for Ra One that has added yet another option in my list. Thanks. Really.)
Then there's always copywriting and the mad mad world of an ad agency- so alluring, yet so suicidal.
Also on my list is brand management, but that would mean working on the company side and not the agency and in my head that's both betrayal and boring- and I'm still confused about this anyway.
Online Marketing is the future- I know that- and I want that but I don't know if I want to specialize in it from the agency side or the company side.
And then there are those days, when I want to give it all up, and go work in sets and props at Prithvi.

Of course I could always resort to picking chits, which is my go-to solution for every decision I can't make, but somehow I don't think that's going to work this time.  And I know no one can take this decision for me- its my life after all- but a little push in the right direction won't hurt. Considering how I have about 6 months to find a job I like at a company I like in a city my parents like. Sigh.

I wish I could be a child again. Or even just 19.
(See, this is what I'm talking about. I started this post with 'I wish I was more grown up and stable' and now.. Sigh.)

No comments:

Post a Comment