Tuesday, January 11, 2011

In Dire Need of Desire

“Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. And as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want.”
- Grey’s Anatomy- Season 3, Episode 21- Desire

Desire is heart wrenchingly heartbreaking. Desire can’t be ignored or avoided. You can’t have a polite conversation with it and then say your goodbyes. You simply can’t go your separate ways and act as though nothing ever happened. You can’t pretend to be just ‘good friends’ with it. Desire isn’t a One Night Stand. Desire never leaves. And when you know you want something, Life almost always makes sure that you don’t get it. At least not right away. Because one of the biggest lessons that life attempts to teach us is that we need to wait for things. And I’m no good at that. No good at all. And as much as I hate it, I know I have to.

I think I finish people’s sentences to rush things~ to finish it all quickly, to put an end to everything. I’m always in this hurry, in this rush to get somewhere else. I don’t know why I’m in such a rush to get to the end, especially since the end quite obviously is Death. I forward tv shows, I hate stupid advertisements that waste the time even though I love advertisements, I can’t sit around waiting for 5 days for people I love to visit, I can’t be patient enough to wait for one week for a show to be telecasted. I want it all, and I want it all now.

But you can’t always get what you want or what you need all the time, on time. Life sadly is nothing like IndiGo and their promise. If anything, Life doesn’t work that way. It has its own inexplicable and bizarre way of serving us things and more often than not, we never really get what we truly want. It has its own timeline and its own whims and fancies and there isn’t a thing anyone of us can do about it. And that’s a reality we all have to live with I suppose. It just comes down to accepting it and moving the hell on.

Desire is difficult but it makes your life worth living. Because when you don’t know what it is that you truly want, you wander around wasting the best part or the most part of your Life looking for what it is that you truly love. Without desire you’re aimless, without a purpose, lost. Desire makes you want to fight back. It makes you want to get up at 6 in the morning and get to class. Or as the case may be stay up till 5 in the morning to write. It makes you read stupidly intelligent and annoyingly good books. Desire makes you achieve. It makes you spout sentences at 3 in the morning because you’re in that kind of a mood. It’s an altogether different story that it kills you in the process, shredding bits of your soul and breaking you and your self esteem and crushing your heart along the way.

Desire propels you. It’s that driving force we all are in dire need of. It makes life worth living. Because what fun would life be if we weren’t struggling a little bit, if we weren’t dying a little bit?

So bring it on 2011. Because I know exactly what I want and I know I can be happy.

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