Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Let's Count?

Because I'm in this kind of a mood-

And suddenly, in the middle of my random thoughts about todays big scary meeting, my potential excuses for not attending the dinner tonight and how much I hate what I'm doing, you come into my mind. Just like that. Out of nowhere. And you dont leave. You just dont leave. No matter what I try to think of.
Oranges, plastic water bottles, a zillion files with details of the important negotiations, a black pen, the contract I'm supposed to be reading, my cell phone, a wedding invitation that I dont want to open, the stack of magazines yet to be read, my purse, a laptop, the latest rom-com novel which I swore I wasn't going to buy, a stapler, and the ring in the first drawer that my fingers can feel- the one I refuse to look at. I let the images of everything I can see flit through my mind. Like an album.
I try to memorise them, something to forget you for a while. Thirteen things. Its not too difficult to remember.
Water bottles, the laptop, my cell phone, oranges, the contract, the wedding invitation, the ring... I pause. My fingers are playing with the ring again. I clutch it in my palm tightly. And take a deep breath.
I sigh. I stop recollecting the items.
I look at them again. I try to make them replace you.
But to no avail. Nothing distracts me from what I remember of you, of us.
Your memory, your scent, your words dont leave me. They cling to my soul, always hovering over me, never letting me be calm. You're the storm that never blows away, the dust that never settles. You never go away.
And I don't quite know what I should do about that.
I don't know if I shouold just give up and think of you, or half-heartedly continue to pretend that I'm working. I don't know if I want to lie to myself anymore.
I miss you.
And I wish you knew.
But even if you did, what would be the point?
'Cause I happen to know how this story ends. And there isn't anything happy about it.


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