Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Let's Count?

Because I'm in this kind of a mood-

And suddenly, in the middle of my random thoughts about todays big scary meeting, my potential excuses for not attending the dinner tonight and how much I hate what I'm doing, you come into my mind. Just like that. Out of nowhere. And you dont leave. You just dont leave. No matter what I try to think of.
Oranges, plastic water bottles, a zillion files with details of the important negotiations, a black pen, the contract I'm supposed to be reading, my cell phone, a wedding invitation that I dont want to open, the stack of magazines yet to be read, my purse, a laptop, the latest rom-com novel which I swore I wasn't going to buy, a stapler, and the ring in the first drawer that my fingers can feel- the one I refuse to look at. I let the images of everything I can see flit through my mind. Like an album.
I try to memorise them, something to forget you for a while. Thirteen things. Its not too difficult to remember.
Water bottles, the laptop, my cell phone, oranges, the contract, the wedding invitation, the ring... I pause. My fingers are playing with the ring again. I clutch it in my palm tightly. And take a deep breath.
I sigh. I stop recollecting the items.
I look at them again. I try to make them replace you.
But to no avail. Nothing distracts me from what I remember of you, of us.
Your memory, your scent, your words dont leave me. They cling to my soul, always hovering over me, never letting me be calm. You're the storm that never blows away, the dust that never settles. You never go away.
And I don't quite know what I should do about that.
I don't know if I shouold just give up and think of you, or half-heartedly continue to pretend that I'm working. I don't know if I want to lie to myself anymore.
I miss you.
And I wish you knew.
But even if you did, what would be the point?
'Cause I happen to know how this story ends. And there isn't anything happy about it.


Monday, October 25, 2010

Dear Claire,

What and If are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will.

All my love,

-Letters from Juilet

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Destiny, Bridges, Love and a Realisation

"Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love"
          - My Sassy Girl

Sigh. So okay after stopping yourself a million times, and convincing yourself NOT to fall in love about twenty thousand times you go ahead and do the very evitable-inevitable: You fall in love.
LOVE- the one thing that terrifies most of us i suppose, because we cant define it, because we cant rationalise or explain it or just brush it away as just another linear equation. Love after all isnt an everyday thing, even though it can last forever- over the days, nights and the years.
So you fall in love, and of course if you're anything like me you just cant do a single thing about it. You  just sigh silently and hope that tomorrow will be a better day. But finally you decide to do the impossible- you decide to take Fate into your own hands, decide to overcome all the bloody odds and all the stupid things that are the 'big obstacles' You forget your fears and you let go of all that worry, of all those apprehensions and you decide that its time to build that damn bridge and somehow, miraculaously, from somewhere within you, you even find the courage to cross it.
And then what?
Why do we think that this 'one' is 'the one'? Why are we so overly-optimistic, so blind? Is it just blind faith, or are we just in dire need of being needed, being wanted? Is it that potent killing agent- hope? Is it just the stupidity of the human mind? How can we expect a relationship to last? How does it last without the people wanting to kill ecah other?
My question today really is simple- Is the passion worth the pain?
Because i dont know. I want it to be, but i just dont know.
Because i dont believe in living a life of only compromise.
Because honestly, sometime i dont understand how two people can want to live with each other for the rest of their lives- i'm talking of course about love and not marriage- and most importantly i cant understand how i want that, without understanding love.
Is the passion worth the pain?