Wednesday, March 31, 2010

This is going to be a very random one, because the day I had was pretty random too.

I wish neatness wasn’t a prerequisite for the accounts paper I wrote today. It’s really not my fault that I kept changing my mind about how I wanted to treat the depreciation, or if I wanted to capitalize life membership fees. It’s also not my fault that I kept interchanging October and July and that matters because we need to find depreciation accordingly for 6 or 9 months. It really isn’t. Of course it’s another thing that yesterday was spent in researching books at Landmark, bitching with cousins and debating about whether or not we had an exam due to the riots. And not studying. Also it wasn’t exactly very nice, when I kept remembering lines from my book, and ideas to make them better during my paper, not only because it made me copy all the wrong amounts in the wrong places but also because I couldn’t note down these suggestions anywhere. And now they’re gone.

My horoscope was unusually right today. Surprisingly enough, both the papers predicted different stuff, and both the horoscopes came true.

“There may be a minor mishap, resulting in an arm or leg injury. It’s the right time to execute your ambitious plans. You may have to be strict with your subordinates at work.”

I fell down and twisted my ankle. I also succeeded in cutting my leg with my own toe nail. The levels of my intelligence surprise me every day. In spite of knowing that this might happen, I still let it happen. Maybe it’s because they generally write crap, so on the one day they decide to actually predict my future, I really don’t pay attention. I know it’s just the right time for the execution, but I’m not finished yet, so my ambitious plans will have to wait for a little bit more. And I don’t have subordinates, so I cant be strict with them.

“Every time you think you’re finished with an assignment or task, it will turn out that there is one last detail that needs attention. It’ll be frustrating, but it won’t last. Remember: one step at a time. If you try to do everything at once you will certainly fail.try to keep your vision focused on what you are trying to achieve. Remember that criticism can be helpful.”

The last detail is so true of my book, because every time I think that I have 5 perfect pages, there is always an XX somewhere because I still have to fill in a name, or a date, or an age and even at one place a colour. I cannot even choose a colour nowadyas without thinking it through. Also I do realize that I cannot study for accounts, and write my book at the same time. Which is why I chose to write my book instead because I’m focusing on finishing it. Criticism was indeed helpful, when my mother pointed out that it was impossible for teenagers to be so efficient in life, so I might as well be a little realistic and make them 23 or even better 25. Clearly she doesn’t realize how efficient I am. Or maybe they're lying to me and I'm actually 20 years old, which would explain all the not wanting to grow up sadness.

Since I’m in such a writing mood these days, I often think that I should just chuck my MBA plans, and stick to writing all my life. Then I remember how moody I am, and I won’t exactly be allowed to write about whatever I want to, considering how half the time I don’t know what I’m writing about. Then I also remember the internship, and how I longed to do the advertising.

There is this song that is stuck in my head. Considering how its about cocaine, living fast, dying young, divorcing models, forgetting love and lots of other things that i wont talk about, i dont know why i like it so much. Maybe i was 'fated' to be stuck with it. It refuses to budge even an inch; it refuses to leave my mind. I think it’s just as stubborn as me. So we’re involved in this battle, neither of us can win. My parents do not understand why I need to listen to so much of music, but quite often music is my inspiration to write. That and nature of course. There was a spectacular rainfall two days ago. Yes, spectacular is my new favourite word which means ur gonna have to read it a lot. Maybe that feeling of being in awe of nature, of feeling so insignificant, so impossibly tiny in front of the beauty that surrounds us makes me write.

The sun peeps at me from behind a curtain of clouds only to hide again. The first drops of rain fall asking me to let go of my fears. The sky is overcast and joyful. The stormy winds are spreading dust over everything, concealing all that there is. Much like man and his cloak of pretences. The roar of the wind engulfs us all, demanding our complete attention. And the quiet rainfall only reminds us of the serenity of life whose absence continues to plague us.

The smell of the first few drops of rain mingling with the earth’s mud takes control of my mind. I can’t seem to concentrate on everything. It’s the smell of the bacteria, Actinomycetes, that grows in the soil that produces spores when it rains, which my biology teacher told me in the 10th, and it seems to have this peculiar way of controlling my mind. I really cannot think. I just sit in one place, and continue to smile. Which isn’t such a bad thing after all. Because after all that smiling, I do write a lot.

It’s a totally different thing though that when I look back on all that I’ve written today, I find most of it crap, and nothing of substance and nothing that’s good enough for my book, save for a few sentences that no one would probably notice anyway. Okay fine, nothing except for a few fab sentences that I’m in love with and that I know by heart even though they aren’t that amazing.

My book feels like my baby, not that I would know what having a baby feels like but. So I hate the fact that I’m going around calling it ‘The unnamed corporate story’ which is what it’s saved as on my laptop. I actually went to the extent of having a discussion as to whether people would buy a book called ‘The unnamed corporate story’ and then I went ahead to chop myself by saying that I certainly wouldn’t buy such a book, because if I had the creativity to write a book, that got published, I would have the creativity to name it something better than ‘The unnamed corporate story’ Because honestly would you go around calling your kid, ‘The unnamed brown eyed girl’ just because you couldn’t think of a spectacular name for her?

Considering how I’m not really writing anything that’s worth reading, I’m going to go now. Where, you may ask. But of course to ‘The unnamed corporate story’ and its countless XXs.

Monday, March 29, 2010

It pretty much screws us up. A lot. And i know that i've said this before, but this time its something different that i have to say, so listen.
It makes us go mad with the waiting. The waiting for just one text to light up your phone. The waiting for that one perfect meeting, that one perfect sentence. The need for that one sweet line. The promise of a better tomorrow. The disappointment, the hope, the way we give ourselves up. The anticipation of that one perfect moment that will ensure happiness. The deep desire to just be with that person that fills you up until you cant think of anything else. The way it messes with our hearts and souls and minds so much that we cant think. For what?
For some guy to disappoint us? For someone to say that it's over. For someone to just want to be friends?
Just so that we can hurt ourselves? Again?
It rips us open, exposes our weaknesses, and really really hurts because another person that we gave a bit of ourselves to, walked away.
But we cant give up, can we?
Because at the end of the day, love is all that gets us going. And someday, someone will make you feel like you've never felt before. And irrespective of anything else, you'll know that everything else was worth it. Because that is the thing with love.
Its a four letter word, that does not make any sense to anyone, and its not supposed to.
I know that three words, eight letters is all it takes to tell someone how you feel.
But i also do know, that just that one sentence isnt enough for a relationship to work. Which is why when you find the right person, you'll know what to do, and how to do it.
Till then we can only wait right?
And considering how i have an exam in about 2 hours, i think i should probably shut up and go now.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

"Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."
-Meredith Grey
Grey's Anatomy
Season 5 Season Finale- Now or Never

Monday, March 22, 2010

Kriti Patell.
(The last time i wrote about my gem twin, you weren't sure if it was you! As if could ever be someone else!)
You do so much for me that i cant even begin to put it in words. Here's my miserable attempt though!
You are one amazing girl!
You know exactly what to say when to me, and most times i dont even have to finish what i'm saying, for u to understand. :) After talking to you my fears seem insignificant cause u always calm me down.
You've given me the best advice always!
When i say 'What would i ever do without u?'
You tell me, 'You'll never have to find out!'
And i know that ul always be there for me, the way i'll always be there for you!
You tell me stuff that makes my day! And you also message me the right things! :P
Here's to a lifetime of screaming excitedly about stupid things, and always being there for each other!
And yes, i love you too jaan! :)

Saturday, March 20, 2010

The world continues to spin around me.
I hope that it will stop for a moment so that i can catch my breath, but even as the wish comes into my mind, i know just how impossible it is. Everywhere i turn to look, i see a glimpse of you.
Your shadow in the dark daylight beckons to me.
I'm tempted to follow it.
Your eyes never leave mine. No matter where i go.
I try to look away, i try not to get magnetized, but i know that its only a matter of time.
Only a matter of time before i fall again.
The stars, the moon,
They have all been blown out,
You left me in the dark,
No dawn no day,
I'm always in this twilight,
In the shadow of your heart.

-Cosmic Love

Friday, March 19, 2010

I look up to see you looking at me.
The image of your face is etched in my mind and my eyes refuse to see anything else.
When i'm standing in the canteen line or when i'm giving my presentations; whatever it is i can always feel your presence.
The sound of your voice whispering in my ears haunts me.
Everywhere i go i take a part of you along.
I know i'm probably losing myself to you, but losing to you doesnt seem so bad.
The strings of hope bind me to you. Forever and always.
I know i should embrace the fact that it probably means nothing to you, but instead i choose to drive that impossibly right thought out of my mind, banish reality and finally sucuumb to denial.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Relationships are not easy. They were never supposed to be easy, and they probably never will be.
There is a very valid reason why the phrase 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus' came into existance, and this very reason makes us fall in love, and then promptly screws us up.
It's not easy to understand people or their decisions, it isnt easy to sacrifice, its not easy to let go of our individual wants, and most importantly it isnt easy to adjust.

So then what?
Do we just stay broken-hearted till another man comes along and breaks our heart again?
Or do we endlessly wait in search for that perfect man, who watch match our sensibilities, only to realise that he doesnt exist? Or do we resign ourselves to our Fates and settle down with 'Mr. Right only till Mr. Right comes along'?
Or do we end up in relationships of conveniance?

I know the answer lies in finding that person and spending the rest of your life with them, but that's not easy at all. It's not easy to love someone when they let you down, or when they blow you off, when they forget things. It's not easy to love someone on a Monday morning. It's not easy to love someone in the middle of an arguement.
It's not easy to love someone all the time.

In every relationship there will be a time when we hate the other person, a time when the other person hates us, and an even worse time when both hate each other. The key to a lasting relationship is to survive those times. To try to love a person even when you hate them.
And to love a person even when you hate the fact that you're in love with them.